Plank in My Eye -- The End (of this chapter)

i left off slammed with conviction, right?
i think that's about accurate.

You see, i've always been a person to give money to people on the streets. I mean, if they want to buy food they should be able to buy food. And hell, if they want to buy alcohol, they should be able to buy alcohol (and proverbs tells us to give strong drink to the crushed in spirit; along those lines, so help me, if life ends me up on the streets someday, please give me some money for alcohol; of buy me a few shots, cause i'm gonna need them). And I'm typically the person taking others out of their comfort zones with my desire to try to find some way to sneak Heidi into my dorm room to sleep (no, moody, you don't have to worry) or to cut off our lunch conversation to bring someone else into it, someone who probably hasn't had anyone listen to him in a while.. I'm usually that person.
I mean, I joke with Adam about being in his life only to stretch him and his assumptions and make things incredibly uncomfortable for him, but to some extent I feel like that's my place in life. At any rate, it's a role I fit into easily.

But I found myself walking away from these two guys, questioning the one justifiably ridiculously-- was he really wanting the spaghetti or did he just take it hoping i'd offer him cash as well? This despite the look i'd seen on his face, the look of hunger waiting to be satisfied, of joy at this spaghetti i was giving him.

I questioned the other though, and that questioning, though it may make sense to some people, was just as ridiculous. Was he really going to Elgin? Why did he looked surprised at my offering him the ticket? Why did he ask for money and not a ticket? Was he really, really going? Did I have to spend my money (which i would actually be able to enjoy if i wasn't so busy giving it away all the time) on him? What if God had wanted to just bless ME with the extra ticket...



Convicted

Is that where I was in the story?

Cause that's where I was by this point. Slammed with it, suddenly.

How often does God grant me grace for something, and I pledge my repentance and that I'll never fall there again... only to be there again in a few days?
How many times have I pretended to really want his forgiveness, only to want a temporary reprieve from the intense guilt I feel all the time?
AND YET HE GIVES. he knows this and yet he gives.
Haven't I seen myself, again and again, taking what God's given me and misusing it? Taking grace and using it to assuage my guilt instead of to stop my sin?


...Aren't I the one, asking not for a 6$ ticket or a plate of spaghetti, but for forgiveness and mercy and breath for another day, only to spit on those when he's turned around... not taking those things to buy biblically-sanctioned alcohol, but taking them to buy ardently condemned rationalization for more sin in my life?

Who the hell did i think i was, to be questioning their motives?

And why in the world didn't I question my own motives before God?


Lord, grant me what I need to live a life worthy of the Gospel you've called me to. And not for my sake, but for yours. Open my eyes.

Having been given all, let me give all.