But if you do, I've moved.
Stubbornhopeful.blogspot.com
see you there, perhaps
17.8.09
6.8.09
I really will update this soon
But until then...
I am officially subscribed to over ninety-four blogs.
This, because I love to read about how people live and think and process.
I realized tonight, though, that perhaps I enjoy reading about their lives because I allow myself to live vicariously through them. Somehow, buried deeply in my subconsciousness until now, I think that I let myself process by reading what other people were writing.
That's cheap and lazy of me.
Personal mid-year resolution:
For every day of reading through blogs, do your own post. "Responsibility, what's that" is no longer a reasonable motto for life.
Here's to self-discipline, kidd0-- [clink of glasses]
I am officially subscribed to over ninety-four blogs.
This, because I love to read about how people live and think and process.
I realized tonight, though, that perhaps I enjoy reading about their lives because I allow myself to live vicariously through them. Somehow, buried deeply in my subconsciousness until now, I think that I let myself process by reading what other people were writing.
That's cheap and lazy of me.
Personal mid-year resolution:
For every day of reading through blogs, do your own post. "Responsibility, what's that" is no longer a reasonable motto for life.
Here's to self-discipline, kidd0-- [clink of glasses]
9.7.09
We must be awfully small and not as strong as we think we are
Propitiation
Forgiveness
Responsibility
Reconciliation
Restitution
Accountability
Art
Confession
Trust
Unity
Redemption
Restoration
Empathy
Honesty
Sincerity
Simple
It feels like each of these concepts have somehow shouted their presence in my life at some point in the last few days.
They've been loud and impossible to mistake.
And I think that sometimes I don't write on here because I don't know how to make my thoughts take words... There are some things that don't have a translation-- even for writers.
It's a good exercise to try to work through them.
We'll see what comes of it all, I suppose.
Forgiveness
Responsibility
Reconciliation
Restitution
Accountability
Art
Confession
Trust
Unity
Redemption
Restoration
Empathy
Honesty
Sincerity
Simple
It feels like each of these concepts have somehow shouted their presence in my life at some point in the last few days.
They've been loud and impossible to mistake.
And I think that sometimes I don't write on here because I don't know how to make my thoughts take words... There are some things that don't have a translation-- even for writers.
It's a good exercise to try to work through them.
We'll see what comes of it all, I suppose.
7.7.09
Scattered thoughts on Suppers and Prison
I went to church on Sunday and it was a really good thing. Appreciated the people and the fellowship and worshipping Jesus and listening to some encouraging things.
And at one point, the man preaching talked about the Last Supper. He talked about us needing to remind ourselves of our own mortality more often, that we would enjoy life more fully. And he talked about inmates receiving their own last supper before execution, how they aren't rushed meals, but are savored and appreciated.
And i got to thinking
about the whole visiting prisoners thing
if maybe there was something we could do for prisoners who are on Death Row?
Maybe there is some group that offers some fellowship and conversation and prayer and communion to those who want it...
I really can't stop thinking about Judas and what would have happened if the community had opened their arms to forgive him and receive him back into the fold.
And when i think about who it's hardest for me to forgive, child molesters and rapists go to the top of that list.
So i wonder if maybe God would have me work with some sort of prison ministry, going to the people society has forgotten about, and loving them and giving them some moments of sweet fellowship before their lives are stolen from them.
Food for the stomach the government can provide.
But water from which they will never thirst again? Sounds like something the Church should be there for.
Incidentally, they can't leave prison and come to the Church.
What if She came to them?
And at one point, the man preaching talked about the Last Supper. He talked about us needing to remind ourselves of our own mortality more often, that we would enjoy life more fully. And he talked about inmates receiving their own last supper before execution, how they aren't rushed meals, but are savored and appreciated.
And i got to thinking
about the whole visiting prisoners thing
if maybe there was something we could do for prisoners who are on Death Row?
Maybe there is some group that offers some fellowship and conversation and prayer and communion to those who want it...
I really can't stop thinking about Judas and what would have happened if the community had opened their arms to forgive him and receive him back into the fold.
And when i think about who it's hardest for me to forgive, child molesters and rapists go to the top of that list.
So i wonder if maybe God would have me work with some sort of prison ministry, going to the people society has forgotten about, and loving them and giving them some moments of sweet fellowship before their lives are stolen from them.
Food for the stomach the government can provide.
But water from which they will never thirst again? Sounds like something the Church should be there for.
Incidentally, they can't leave prison and come to the Church.
What if She came to them?
3.7.09
7.6.09
i'm growing weary
it feels, honestly, like i'm protecting someone that doesn't want to be protected. and that drains me in so many ways.
she doesn't see it as an issue, but i fear for her.
i've had things stolen from me, things meant to be given and not to be taken; i lived through it and escaped with remnants of my dignity in tact, but mostly a shit pile of regrets.
i watched as those things were threatened to be stolen from a friend who i love as if she were my own child, and i made myself sick with fear over it. i did what i thought i could to stop it, but in the end i just lost a friend for a while and spent a lot of time sick.
and here i am, once again.
i've been there
i want to protect
i want to save you?
it's an odd thing, to be given the responsibility of protecting someone who doesn't want to be protected, who doesn't even see danger.
i can point danger out, but snakes can make themselves seem so innocent and like they are the victim. They can't quite help their venom, right?
ach, du
things weigh heavily on mine heart.
she doesn't see it as an issue, but i fear for her.
i've had things stolen from me, things meant to be given and not to be taken; i lived through it and escaped with remnants of my dignity in tact, but mostly a shit pile of regrets.
i watched as those things were threatened to be stolen from a friend who i love as if she were my own child, and i made myself sick with fear over it. i did what i thought i could to stop it, but in the end i just lost a friend for a while and spent a lot of time sick.
and here i am, once again.
i've been there
i want to protect
i want to save you?
it's an odd thing, to be given the responsibility of protecting someone who doesn't want to be protected, who doesn't even see danger.
i can point danger out, but snakes can make themselves seem so innocent and like they are the victim. They can't quite help their venom, right?
ach, du
things weigh heavily on mine heart.
5.5.09
Jesus wants to save Christians
I'm aware some authors or publishing house or whatever stole the above title, which was going to be the title of the book i've been working on for a few years now.
In any case, i've been thinking about it more recently.
Today i went to the student dining hall for lunch with a friend.
The table behind us was speaking loudly enough for us to overhear them clearly, much more clearly than we would have appreciated. As such, it was difficult to ignore their conversation, the kind of conversation i've been managing to avoid since i've returned to campus here (it's been intentional).
"Moody is definitely more dispensational; you don't know what you're talking about."
"No-- you don't get it! Dallas falls under these points of understanding the different dispensations. Here, look at this..."
"No; that's not right. Well, what about other theological issues? To what degree are they Calvinists?"
"Well, I heard..."
And they went on.
And i sat there, thinking of how enjoyable these conversations used to be back... oh... when i was in high school.
By the time I graduated, I was over it and assumed that the rest of the world was, too.
By the time I began my schooling here, I was much more concerned with an end to war, poverty and hunger than the battles of heresy, name-calling and systematic definitions.
I visited the student dining room less and less, as the arguments about calvinism and dispensations grew hollow in my head, and the self-righteous declarations of who God is began to stink of pomposity. When I was labeled a liberal for believing we were supposed to care for those who couldn't care for themselves, for the weak and the poor and the hungry, when i was dismissed as "emergent" because i didn't believe that the world could be fixed by right thinking, but that we actually needed to go and love people, when every conversation would find someone who wanted to argue, who wanted to be right, who wanted to tear down... the dining room because a place of headaches. I found other ways to eat, or to skip a meal, rather than sitting through there.
This semester, i'd made it through the whole 4 months of school, having sat in the dining room only during breakfasts (where it's quiet and beautiful), except for today's lunch experiment.
sadly, the conversations haven't changed.
i believe that Jesus wants to save Christians, that he wants to save us from ourselves. from our self-righteousness and easy judgments and labeling and heresies and from all the wrong ways we've thought about him.
He wants to save us closer to himself.
In any case, i've been thinking about it more recently.
Today i went to the student dining hall for lunch with a friend.
The table behind us was speaking loudly enough for us to overhear them clearly, much more clearly than we would have appreciated. As such, it was difficult to ignore their conversation, the kind of conversation i've been managing to avoid since i've returned to campus here (it's been intentional).
"Moody is definitely more dispensational; you don't know what you're talking about."
"No-- you don't get it! Dallas falls under these points of understanding the different dispensations. Here, look at this..."
"No; that's not right. Well, what about other theological issues? To what degree are they Calvinists?"
"Well, I heard..."
And they went on.
And i sat there, thinking of how enjoyable these conversations used to be back... oh... when i was in high school.
By the time I graduated, I was over it and assumed that the rest of the world was, too.
By the time I began my schooling here, I was much more concerned with an end to war, poverty and hunger than the battles of heresy, name-calling and systematic definitions.
I visited the student dining room less and less, as the arguments about calvinism and dispensations grew hollow in my head, and the self-righteous declarations of who God is began to stink of pomposity. When I was labeled a liberal for believing we were supposed to care for those who couldn't care for themselves, for the weak and the poor and the hungry, when i was dismissed as "emergent" because i didn't believe that the world could be fixed by right thinking, but that we actually needed to go and love people, when every conversation would find someone who wanted to argue, who wanted to be right, who wanted to tear down... the dining room because a place of headaches. I found other ways to eat, or to skip a meal, rather than sitting through there.
This semester, i'd made it through the whole 4 months of school, having sat in the dining room only during breakfasts (where it's quiet and beautiful), except for today's lunch experiment.
sadly, the conversations haven't changed.
i believe that Jesus wants to save Christians, that he wants to save us from ourselves. from our self-righteousness and easy judgments and labeling and heresies and from all the wrong ways we've thought about him.
He wants to save us closer to himself.
10.3.09
Redemption is near
I know it's been a while since i've been on here...
The semester ended with a lot of questions about some things and a new one began with some even more difficult questions. There are places where some things are still painful, but also places where God is opening my eyes to see redemption happening.
There was once something I liked for a short time, but not in the right time or understanding or place.
Then, yesterday, after a really good and subtly redemptive weekend, I realized that God was giving it back to me. He was giving it back in a different way and in a different context and with different people and a completely different understanding, but it was coming back all the same. It has been years since I'd had this, but God was giving it back.
It is, by no means, comfortable or easy or peaceful. But God replacing something is always the best way to have it.
I'm growing.
And I'm learning.
And it's still, perhaps, most difficult of all to trust people.
But I'm learning, and God keeps putting people in my life to restore my trust in humanity.
One day at a time.
The semester ended with a lot of questions about some things and a new one began with some even more difficult questions. There are places where some things are still painful, but also places where God is opening my eyes to see redemption happening.
There was once something I liked for a short time, but not in the right time or understanding or place.
Then, yesterday, after a really good and subtly redemptive weekend, I realized that God was giving it back to me. He was giving it back in a different way and in a different context and with different people and a completely different understanding, but it was coming back all the same. It has been years since I'd had this, but God was giving it back.
It is, by no means, comfortable or easy or peaceful. But God replacing something is always the best way to have it.
I'm growing.
And I'm learning.
And it's still, perhaps, most difficult of all to trust people.
But I'm learning, and God keeps putting people in my life to restore my trust in humanity.
One day at a time.
13.1.09
It's been a rough few days
I haven't been myself lately.
Plenty of things have been changing.... things have been going on and I've been holding a lot of things in question. I was talking with a friend the other day, explaining how lost I feel here. I'm going to Bible school and I've lost so much of the assurance I had of so many things. My dad (a believer) asked me the other day, what salvation is. I told him I have no idea. I then proceeded to tell him a whole lot of things that other people think salvation is... but i have no idea what I think.
I've lost it.
Talking to Gary last night, I told him I feel like I've lost God. Like I knew him and had experienced him and spent those close times with him, and yet now I feel like I've somehow lost him. I've lost him the way I lose sight of the forest. I've let my schoolwork of describing and defining each of the trees distract me from the forest i used to see and love and be able to describe in ways so much more beautiful than the science of each of these trees I can now articulate from 4 different viewpoints. I've lost what I used to love most about my faith: the beauty, the simplicity, the wonder that I invited people to enjoy with me.
Plenty of things have been changing.... things have been going on and I've been holding a lot of things in question. I was talking with a friend the other day, explaining how lost I feel here. I'm going to Bible school and I've lost so much of the assurance I had of so many things. My dad (a believer) asked me the other day, what salvation is. I told him I have no idea. I then proceeded to tell him a whole lot of things that other people think salvation is... but i have no idea what I think.
I've lost it.
Talking to Gary last night, I told him I feel like I've lost God. Like I knew him and had experienced him and spent those close times with him, and yet now I feel like I've somehow lost him. I've lost him the way I lose sight of the forest. I've let my schoolwork of describing and defining each of the trees distract me from the forest i used to see and love and be able to describe in ways so much more beautiful than the science of each of these trees I can now articulate from 4 different viewpoints. I've lost what I used to love most about my faith: the beauty, the simplicity, the wonder that I invited people to enjoy with me.
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